decisions, decisions.

I just want to start off by saying how amazing it is when we allow God to stretch us in ways that take us way beyond our comfort zone. It's not always fun or appealing, but the end product and how we change from it is so worth it.

I was faced with making one of the most difficult decisions I could make this afternoon. After struggling for probably over a month about whether or not I should go through with it, I finally got the clear answer I'd been asking for. Not that it necessarily felt clear. Trust me, even as things were happening, I still had reserves. I kept looking five steps ahead (and still am), and focusing on the repercussions that would come from either side of the decision I made. I think that's why it took so long for me to come to my decision. I couldn't let go of my doubts and my inhibitions, and I am, quite frankly, afraid.

I'm leaving this vague intentionally. God knows what I did, and why I did it. I won't lie that it kinda sucks having this burden on me, knowing what's going to happen soon when those around me are absolutely oblivious. But, I know that it is so good for me at the same time. I'm building my faith by trusting that God has this handled. There are so many different outcomes that could potentially occur from my decision, and I just need to trust that He has it under control, and He is going to take care of the situation and those that are involved. And I do trust Him!

I don't really know where I'm going with this, other than to remind myself later, when I'll be second guessing my choice because of all the hurt it's going to cause, that in the long run, I made the right decision. Unfortunately, it often requires heartache for God to be able to work in our lives and the lives of those around us. And it's such a reassurance to know that every heartache we have has passed through His hands first. He's got a plan for all of this, and He won't let me, or the others involved, go through this alone.

For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Do not be afraid, oh worm Jacob, oh little Israel, for I myself will help you," declares the LORD, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.

Isaiah 41:13-14

Next step.

Can I just say how ecstatic I am to finally, solidly know that I am moving to Detroit in exactly one month? The fact that any doubts would have crossed my mind seem so silly now. I really cannot wait to see where this program will take me, and what God has waiting for me there.

Anyways. I couldn't help but return to thinking about what this means for me. It's all so surreal. I keep looking back to a year ago, and who I was then, compared to who I am now. I probably say it a lot, but the amount of change that I've gone through in just a little less than a year is so amazing. It's such solid evidence to me of God's grace, mercy, and love. I am so incredibly changed, and I know that the Lord is far from being done with me! There are so many more things He has to work in me, so many more plans He has.

I just feel like I'm going to burst with excitement, anticipation, and joy! I don't really know what will come after XMin, but I'm not really worried about it for once. I just hope, and pray, that I will walk away even more changed, and that I will be able to be a walking testimony to the lost and the broken. If God could use and love someone like me, then I know there's hope for the rest of the world.

I am so ready for this challenge.

Return to me.

This morning, I find myself wide awake after getting home from a late night (or early morning?) at work. So, per usual, I took this opportunity of calm and quiet in my home to spend some uninterrupted time with my Father. On my drive home from work, I was trying to decide where I wanted to read in my Bible once I got home. Almost right away, the book of Malachi was brought to the surface of my mind. I wasn't too sure at first because it felt like such an obscure suggestion, but then I remembered that it had been brought to the forefront of my mind the night before as well.

Reading through it, there wasn't a whole lot that stood out to me. There was a lot that sounded good and maybe stood out a little, but nothing really spoke to me. That is, until I got to the last chapter, verses 6 and 7.

I am the Lord, and I do not change. That is why you descendants of Jacob are not already destroyed. Ever since the days of your ancestors, you have scorned my decrees and failed to obey them. Now return to me, and I will return to you,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies.
Malachi 3:6-7 (NLT)

What first caught my attention was the beginning of this verse. "I am the Lord, and I do not change." I know that for me, it can be hard to wrap my head around that fact that God never changes. All we ever do is change, and consistency can be rather hard to come by. But God is the same today as He was yesterday, and He will always be the same, indescribable Creator. I think that's so reassuring to know, and it makes me want to obey Him and follow Him even more.

I also love that in these verses, God shows how much He loves us. That, even though we continue to deny Him, and we continue to scorn Him and what He has instructed us, He still wants us. He still asks us to return to Him so that He may return to us; we just need to take the first step.

Despite the fact that we will stumble (more than once, that's for sure) God still loves us. And He will not abandon us just because we make a few mistakes. Instead, He is there waiting for us to come back to Him, tail between our legs, with His arms open wide to receive us. That doesn't necessarily mean there won't be consequences for our disobedience, because there certainly will. But it does mean that God is still seeking an intimate relationship with his creation, even after we ignore His commands.

For me, personally, I saw this happen in my own life (and I'm sure I'm not the only one). I think it's easy for us to fall into the temptation of doing what we want, rather than doing what we know God has asked us to do. But once we come back to Him, ready to change and follow Him once again, I believe we can be changed in amazing ways. I love whenever Pastor Jay says, "You cannot come face to face with God and walk away unchanged."

Interesting how the one who never changes, will always leave us changed.

Found peace.

Last night was a real struggle for me. I am still in limbo, basically, on the whole XMin thing. I'm awaiting the phone call for my 10 minute interview before they tell me I'm either accepted or not. Because things are drawing so close, and because I still struggle with problems of worrying, I began to doubt. What if this wasn't really what God has called me to do? What if I'm just doing it because I think it's a good idea? What if I'm only doing this out of selfish ambitions?

So, in desperation, I spent some early morning time with my Father. Having worked until 4am, I came home wide awake and desperate to hear from God. I actually spent some time just listening to what He was trying to speak into my heart, something that I don't do enough. I struggled for a while, listening to God and hearing him whisper that "Yes, this is what I have called you to do," but thinking only that it was my voice trying to cover the silence. It wasn't until I stepped back, laid to rest my fears, and just opened my heart completely to God that I became peaceful. My anxieties were laid to rest, and I just knew that God was going to work everything out in His own time.

There is a verse I put on my closet, one that I copied down years ago to encourage me as I was in foster care. Now, however, I look at it, and it means something completely different to me.

I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.
Genesis 28:15 NIV

Our God is a God who will never abandon us, even when we fear that He isn't going to pull through. He is there, guiding our steps and watching over us as we follow the path He has set out for our lives.

My favorite part about that verse is the last sentence; "I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." Not only is God always present, but He is faithful, and will fulfill the promises He has made us. I know that God has a plan for my life, and that His presence will never leave me. I also know that what He has promised is good, and that letting petty things like doubt get in the way of that is foolish.

I just need a little more faith, sometimes.

Nothing's gonna hold me back.

As I draw closer and closer in my relationship with God, I find more speed bumps arising along the way. It's not uncommon (it's expected, actually) for the enemy to try and break you down whenever you are following the path that God has laid ahead for your life.

September is drawing close, which means that I will (still, hopefully) be going to XMin, the program in Hamtramck. Since last September, there has been an amazing amount of healing going on in my life. I've made a complete transformation, thanks to the grace and mercy of my Father. Things that, only mere months ago used to bring me down in an instant, I no longer have to dwell on. I actually know I have a purpose now, and part of that is to attend XMin and gain tools and knowledge that will help me work with Jr. High-aged girls one day.

The thing about my life, though, is that things are actually falling into place, and I'm finally following God's plan for my life. That sounds like a good thing, right? Well, it is. For me, at least. But for Satan, it's definitely not.

Satan doesn't want us to follow God's calling on our life. He wants us to be miserable, and to fall easily into temptation. And when we do begin to step further into God's plan for us, Satan tries to pull out all the stops. I know firsthand how he will try bringing up old wounds to break us down. He will try to shatter our confidence and make us doubt our faith in God. This is why it is so extremely important to draw ever closer to God. We need to have a strong prayer life. We need to spend time delving into His Word, learning more about His character. Because if we don't, it's far too easy for the enemy to break us down.

I know that for me, the enemy has been trying to punk me by attempting to reopen old wounds made by my past mistakes. If I didn't have such a strong support system, and if I didn't know that I have so much value in my Father's eyes, despite my background, I would have easily given in to what Satan was trying to feed me. It's so easy for us to fall into our old ways, even if we have changed. But it's so much more worth it in the end when we stay strong in our faith, and choose to follow God's plan, regardless of any temptations that punk tries to send our way. We just need to look to Christ to find our strength and our worth. Because He is ever faithful, and will never fail us.

Faith, Hope, and Love.

Just a few days ago, I got back home from being a group leader at FaHoLo's Jr. High Camp. All I can coherently say, is that it was such an amazing, life altering experience. I got to spend my days with a group of 11 young ladies who were absolutely fabulous, and who I got the opportunity to invest in.

I think what my favorite part of the whole experience was, was seeing God move through those teens. There were a couple of my girls that I could tell were really going through some rough times. And through the movement of the Holy Spirit and through the words of Jason Buchan, those students were changed in some amazing ways. Especially one girl, who I could tell throughout the week had some serious self image issues, and had next to no love for herself. She even confessed to me that she had come to camp thinking that she was worthless, and there was no way Jesus could love her.

But, praise the Lord, because after an amazing night of the Word and worship, she told me that God had shown her that none of that was true. That completely melted my heart. I could see God showing to me, crystal clearly, that this is my calling. Working with teen girls like her, and showing them that Christ does love them, and that they do have worth. It's clear to me now, that the Lord has really called me to youth ministry, which is something that I never would have expected.

Honestly, I cannot wait until next year, when I will have the opportunity to do this once again. The whole experience was just awe inspiring, and I cannot wait for the Lord to use me again. Being at camp and being those girls' counselor, made me feel at home; like it was what I was supposed to be doing.

It is you who gives me strength.

This should have been done a lot sooner. However, I keep letting life and laziness take over. I'm either constantly busy, or constantly not. But, that's not what I wanted to write about tonight.

Tonight, I was faced again with just how much the Lord is changing my heart. It's been a slow process, these past six (almost seven!) months. It's been more challenging than anything I've ever faced, and I feel I've grown far more than I could have possibly conceived.

While it's true that I'm far from being where I want to be, I know that the Lord has it under control. I'm not perfect, by any means, and there have been a few "relapses" that have set me back. There have been times when I seriously questioned why I was going through this. I felt like God was giving me way too much to handle! But the beauty of it, is that it's not in His nature to give us more than we can handle. It even says so in the Bible! 1 Corinthians 10:13 says, "No temptation has seized you beyond what is common to man. And God is faithful, he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

The Lord is working some amazing healing in my heart, and I am so grateful for his mercy and love! Each day, I see the progress I make, and the ways He has and is taking care of me. Through Him, I can do anything. Through Him, I have been made new. He has taken my guilt and He continues to take my fears and heartaches. He has set me free.

You've got so much love in you,

I'm finding that my current 'difficult' thing to deal with is loving others and not resorting to biting words and anger. I wish I could say that this isn't the case, but it is. And it's only an issue with my family.

My family are the connoisseurs of anger and arguing, it would seem. It's all I grew up around, and sometimes it seems like I can only respond in the same way. But today I read a verse that helped and greatly encouraged me; Proverbs 10:12. It says, "Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses."

When we react in anger or hatred, it only causes more problems. Instead, we need to hold our tongues. We need to obey, even when it seems ludicrous or unfair, because the Bible tells us to honor our parents. We need to respond with calm and quiet words. When we react with love, the way that Jesus would, it changes things. It changes perspectives and stops arguments before they can fester into full-on verbal brawls.

The key here is to actually think before we speak. To not let our emotions run wild, but to think instead how we can turn it around to honor our Father. If I could just stop arguing with my mother when it feels like she's just picking a fight, she can start to see how much of a change I truly am making in my life. And, hopefully, she can see Christ reflected in the things I do (or don't do!).

You have so much love in you. That's the way God wanted it to be! So why do we constantly let the hatred take over?

Let me think of how to word it.

So the original ten day fast got extended to two weeks. Like most people, when Pastor Jay brought up extending the fast, I just thought, "Aww. Man. Really?" And almost immediately after, I mentally kicked myself! I mean, why not? Why shouldn't I have extended the fast? My initial reluctance showed me just how much I let technology rule my life, so I knew I had to extend it! And I am so glad that I chose to go for the full two weeks. I think that in those two weeks, God worked some awesome things into my life and my heart. It was amazing how close I became to Him. And all it took was for me to shut off the distractions and intentionally spend time with God.

I also realized just how much I was running from God, even though I thought I was running towards Him. It's in our nature (mine, especially) to avoid confrontation, especially with God, when we know that what God has to say will likely convict us and push us to be better. So we put these constant distractions in our lives to avoid His gentle conviction. In essence, we're kindof pansies!

I also noticed just how much people worship television. That's right. We worship it. We literally plan out when we're going to sit down to watch our favorite programs. What if we did the same for God? What would our lives be like if we intentionally pursued God at certain times everyday, for hour increments or more? I can guarantee we would see a huge change.

Overall, I came to several conclusions throughout this fast. Mostly that we need to purposely choose to pursue God. He doesn't just want us in between commercials or during the few minutes of silence before bed. He wants all of us, all of the time. I also concluded that I sort of like silence. I enjoy sitting in silence, with just me and my Father, letting Him speak to my heart. It's so much better than music, or tv, or any other sound.

Time to fast.

Tomorrow starts the ten day fast at The Well. I am so stoked, and have been looking forward to this since Pastor Jay brought it up. I know that I definitely have a lot of things that need to be put aside for a while, because they're keeping me from being close to God. Not that a fast should be the sole reason I rid myself of those things. It's just a motivational push of sorts. And I think that after this fast is done, I want to regularly fast things that I get too occupied with. Maybe once a month or every other month, or something along those lines.

So tomorrow I will fast the internet. I spend far too much time on it, even if I do sometimes use it for devotionals and things of that sort. It's still becoming an idol of sorts, and I know I use excuses of communication, devotionals, etc. to justify it. Thus, I'm completely not opening my computer for ten days. I don't think I will even be checking my e-mail. This will be the hardest thing for me to fast, as I use it as an escape from issues surrounding me. However, I should be going to God to deal with these issues, rather than trying to escape.

Also, I am cutting out any music that does not praise God. I've already set up a playlist of music that I know praises God so that I can listen to it throughout the day. If I can get my hands on a blank cd, I also want to make a cd to take into the car with me. Because I hate driving in silence. But maybe that's what I need to do, at least for a few of the days.

Finally, no television. I usually only have it on for background noise, but I still have it on far too much and even find myself surfing channels and watching mindless shows when nothing "good" is on. This one will be difficult to do if my brother is still staying with us, but I'm up for the challenge.

So there are the things I am fasting. I hope that this will help keep me accountable, since I'm putting it in writing. And also, I want to look back in ten days and know that I did what I said I would. I look forward to using the time I would normally spend on the computer, watching tv, or listening to music to spend more time with God, reading His Word, praying, and worshiping Him.

Truth Project.

Faith isn't a feeling - faith is overcoming your feelings.

I love this quote. It was one of the many that stuck out to me during small group. Tonight was the first night of Truth Project. And all I can really say is, WOW. It's so deep, so thought provoking, so full of truth.

What is truth? When you actually think about the answer to that question, you have to pause for a minute before you come up with an answer. But I think that there was one really good answer in the video we watched. Truth is "that which corresponds to reality as perceived by God."

It seems like the world is so consumed with the idea of relative truth. That what is true for you, isn't necessarily true for me. But that's not true! Truth is an absolute, it has to have a baseline. And whether we want to believe it or admit it, God is that baseline.

And I think simply understanding truth, and how God is truth, and how Jesus was sent into the world to testify to the truth, isn't as far as it goes. We need to take this truth that God has given, and we need to show the world the truth. Show them that this idea of relative truth is a cop out from doing what we know is right. Show them that Jesus was sent to set the captives free. That God is a wonderful Creator who loved us enough that He came to earth to live amongst us and die so we could be saved. We also need to ask ourselves: "Do you really believe what you believe is really real?"

It's deep. And yet, a discipline of sorts that I think this world is greatly lacking. If we, as Christians, know what the truth is, even if our comprehension is nowhere near fully understanding it, are we living that truth out? I think that if we aren't living it out, our answer to that question is no. I know that for me, it's a no sometimes. We know what is right and what is wrong. What is truth and what is a lie. We just don't always choose to live like we really believe that what we believe is really real. And that needs to change! Otherwise, how will we reach those who are still held captive by sin? How will we live our lives in such a way that will lead them to the truth that is Christ?

I cannot wait for next Thursday. :]

C'est la vie.

I have to trust in the Lord, that I am here for a reason. That reason may be completely obvious, or it may be something I won't realize until much later. Regardless, I know that I'm stuck in this home for a reason, and that reason is going to glorify Him.

I just need to be patient, until I leave in September. Maybe even sooner than that, if I can find a place to move into.

Until then, I need to suck it up. I need to serve eagerly, and expect nothing in return. When they strike me, I need to turn and offer them the other cheek. I need to stop trying to get through to my mom; I need to just love her no matter what. Because love is more powerful than words or anger.

Life is not easy. I know this fact all too well. I won't gain character or strength or courage or anything, unless I go through these obstacles. Life would be too easy and completely meaningless. That's why I can't sweat the small stuff. Because what seems like the world right now, will only be a blip on the map of my lifetime. And none of it will matter the day that I meet my Father.

Do not worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.

I will run to you.

God is so amazing.

Every time I go to Kinetic, or The Well on Sunday mornings, or when I visit Real Church, I feel so alive. It's amazing, this sense of togetherness in Christ. I sincerely enjoy being with these people who are so on fire for Christ and who make my heart overflow with love. I could do this stuff every day.

The Lord has blessed me immensely with all these amazing people who love me, hold me accountable, and challenge me to be so much more. I cannot wait until September comes and I am in Hamtramck, surrounded by this day in and day out. I am literally giddy with excitement to be utilized for the Lord. :]

I can't keep on without you.

Lord, give me courage. Right now, I feel like running away. Abandoning all these responsibilities that shouldn't belong to me. Leaving these people behind, no matter the consequences. I just want to escape and not have to deal with these petty issues anymore.

Lord, give me strength. I feel like screaming until my throat is raw and my vocal chords give out. I feel like breaking down until I'm emotionally spent.

Lord, give me faith in You. I know this is for a reason; I know that You need me to love them no matter how frustrated they make me. I need to be a light, I need to be different. I need to trust that You're taking care of me, no matter how difficult these events may seem.

Help me to see this from Your perspective. I know You're up to something, and it'll turn out wonderful (it always does). But for now, it's hard for me to see beyond my emotions. It's hard to see how my mother's boyfriend, who makes my stomach churn, and who causes so much drama and tension, could be the basis of something that comes from You.

But Lord, I don't have to see how these pieces fit together. I'm sure that if I could, I wouldn't understand it anyways.

Love shouldn't be a four letter lie.

It's funny, how I can look at my mom and friends who revolve their lives around a guy, and feel so frustrated with them when they keep going back to the guy, even though it's evident that the guy doesn't have the same emotional attachments. And yet, I was in that position not too long ago. It's amazing how we finally see the truth when we simply change perspective.
Now, though, I put Jesus in the center of my life. Don't get me wrong, I still feel lonely quite often. I was made to love and be loved. The right time just hasn't come yet, and I don't think it will for a few more years. I'm just trying to change my heart to stop desiring a relationship with a guy, and start desiring an intimate relationship with Christ.

A good friend gave me a piece of wisdom that always comes to mind when this topic bothers me. She said that we shouldn't look for a person who completes us, because then you have two incomplete people trying to fill the other person's voids. We should be looking to God to fill those holes, and not another person. Instead, we should be a 'whole' person, who finds another 'whole' person, who will help us to grow. For me, especially, that won't happen until I live a life that is fully committed to Christ. And I have a feeling that the man God has picked for me won't come stumbling into my life until I stop looking for him.

I wish my mom could see things this way. It honestly crushes me to see that she thinks she can't do any better than her current stand-in. Where is the love for herself? This guy doesn't treat her like the daughter of God she is. Have women become so desperate for affection that they're willing to put up with all kinds of crap, as long as it means they aren't alone? I'd have to say that, unfortunately, that's the way it seems. And I am terrified that my younger sisters will end up like the rest of the women in my family. I know I am not doing enough to ensure that they have a better chance of avoiding this trend.

I want to help young girls of this generation and the next, to see that they don't need any man except for Jesus. I want to help them love themselves, and be confident in who God created them to be. Females are so vulnerable and emotional, and when we get caught up in the world's idea of love, we easily forget about agape, the most wonderful love our Father could bless us with. A love that doesn't have to be earned. I really feel a calling to this issue, like God wants to use my experiences and my passion to make a difference and bring Him glory. And that concomitantly excites and intimidates me.

My prayers are going out to all the girls, weak and strong, heartbroken and infatuated. That they won't feel it necessary to look for love in a temporary guy, because a much better love already exists in the arms of our Father. And He will never forsake us.

I will trust in you. Won't I?

Now, I will be the first to say, that I am not the greatest writer. I'm not the best articulator, and I know my phrases don't always make sense to anyone but me. But I wanted to give this a shot. I want to look back at this blog a year or so from now, and see the inner workings of my mind and how they've changed. Because this year, I want to grow like I've never grown before. I want my relationship with God to become something I've never experienced before. And I don't want this to just be a bunch of pretty words on my computer screen.

I want to mean it. I want to make this happen.

So with that, I guess I'll get to what I truly wanted to write about tonight. At The Well this morning, Pastor Jay focused on trust. Do we truly trust God to take care of us? Or do we just say that we do, because we know that it's the "Christian thing to say?" For me, I feel like I fall under the latter more often than I should.

Pastor Jay brought up the verse Proverbs 3:5; a verse I know well, and a verse that inspires me often. 'Trust in the Lord God with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.' It sounds like it should be so easy to just trust in the Lord, rather than trusting in what I think I know, right? Not quite. I consistently have to catch myself, and make myself remember that I don't have a hold of this life - not even a little bit. Things won't always go my way, no matter how strong a grip I try to keep on this life. But the beauty of this all, is that God does have a hold on my life. He knows where this life of mine is going, and He knows how I'm going to end up getting there.

Not too long ago, a good friend gave me an illustration of trust that really stuck with me. He was telling me about how his young daughter would stand on the counter in the kitchen, and she would jump into his arms, fearless and giggling. However, when her brother got up there and it came time to jump into his dad's arms, he hesitated out of fear. Unlike his younger sister, he realized that if he fell, he would get hurt. Since then, the little girl has been terrified to jump into her father's arms, because she lost her trust. Now, she will just stand there and cry, until her mother comes up behind her and gives her a little push.

In the same way, we are often too afraid to trust in God, because some experience will instill a tiny amount of fear in us, usually a fear of getting hurt, and we can't get past our hesitation. God will often have to come up behind us and give us that little push. I know that for me, this happened all too recently. God gave me the push off the edge that I needed, because I was too stubborn and afraid to jump on my own. I was scared that I would end up hurt. And although I was far too close for comfort to hitting the very bottom, God still caught me. There will be times when I jump willingly, knowing that the Lord is there to catch me always. But there will also be times when I have to be pushed a little (or a lot) in order to take the leap and have God catch me.

There's a song we would sing at my old church, and I was just thinking about the lyrics, and how much they really mean. It's funny when you're used to singing a song for years, but one day those words will suddenly take on a deeper meaning to you.
'Oh, I will trust in You, even when I cannot see. It's Your hand that's leading me. Even when the road is long. Even when my eyes are fading, and I've spent so long waiting. What You've promised is true. I will trust in You.'

What has God ever done not to earn our trust? Has he ever failed to catch us, to deliver us? He may not do it in a way that we want, or even see at the moment, but He always pulls us through the darkest of situations.
And He has pulled me out of a really life-altering situation just this past fall. Honestly, when it was happening, I thought that I would never get through it. I thought, literally, that this was the end of the world, and that I was going to die from all the heartbreak. Yet, God caught me when I had fallen, and He's still pulling me through this thing, day by day. The funny thing is, I was afraid to do the right thing, because I knew it would hurt. And yet, by not doing the right thing when I knew I should have, I ended up hurting tenfold. I know that I will never truly move on from it until I can completely trust in God. Because I can already see how He used that crappy situation to create something so much better for me, and how there's still so much He has in store for me. And that makes my heart swell with so much love for our Father.

I have a lot of reasons to trust in Him. I just need to get over myself and do it!