Time to fast.

Tomorrow starts the ten day fast at The Well. I am so stoked, and have been looking forward to this since Pastor Jay brought it up. I know that I definitely have a lot of things that need to be put aside for a while, because they're keeping me from being close to God. Not that a fast should be the sole reason I rid myself of those things. It's just a motivational push of sorts. And I think that after this fast is done, I want to regularly fast things that I get too occupied with. Maybe once a month or every other month, or something along those lines.

So tomorrow I will fast the internet. I spend far too much time on it, even if I do sometimes use it for devotionals and things of that sort. It's still becoming an idol of sorts, and I know I use excuses of communication, devotionals, etc. to justify it. Thus, I'm completely not opening my computer for ten days. I don't think I will even be checking my e-mail. This will be the hardest thing for me to fast, as I use it as an escape from issues surrounding me. However, I should be going to God to deal with these issues, rather than trying to escape.

Also, I am cutting out any music that does not praise God. I've already set up a playlist of music that I know praises God so that I can listen to it throughout the day. If I can get my hands on a blank cd, I also want to make a cd to take into the car with me. Because I hate driving in silence. But maybe that's what I need to do, at least for a few of the days.

Finally, no television. I usually only have it on for background noise, but I still have it on far too much and even find myself surfing channels and watching mindless shows when nothing "good" is on. This one will be difficult to do if my brother is still staying with us, but I'm up for the challenge.

So there are the things I am fasting. I hope that this will help keep me accountable, since I'm putting it in writing. And also, I want to look back in ten days and know that I did what I said I would. I look forward to using the time I would normally spend on the computer, watching tv, or listening to music to spend more time with God, reading His Word, praying, and worshiping Him.

Truth Project.

Faith isn't a feeling - faith is overcoming your feelings.

I love this quote. It was one of the many that stuck out to me during small group. Tonight was the first night of Truth Project. And all I can really say is, WOW. It's so deep, so thought provoking, so full of truth.

What is truth? When you actually think about the answer to that question, you have to pause for a minute before you come up with an answer. But I think that there was one really good answer in the video we watched. Truth is "that which corresponds to reality as perceived by God."

It seems like the world is so consumed with the idea of relative truth. That what is true for you, isn't necessarily true for me. But that's not true! Truth is an absolute, it has to have a baseline. And whether we want to believe it or admit it, God is that baseline.

And I think simply understanding truth, and how God is truth, and how Jesus was sent into the world to testify to the truth, isn't as far as it goes. We need to take this truth that God has given, and we need to show the world the truth. Show them that this idea of relative truth is a cop out from doing what we know is right. Show them that Jesus was sent to set the captives free. That God is a wonderful Creator who loved us enough that He came to earth to live amongst us and die so we could be saved. We also need to ask ourselves: "Do you really believe what you believe is really real?"

It's deep. And yet, a discipline of sorts that I think this world is greatly lacking. If we, as Christians, know what the truth is, even if our comprehension is nowhere near fully understanding it, are we living that truth out? I think that if we aren't living it out, our answer to that question is no. I know that for me, it's a no sometimes. We know what is right and what is wrong. What is truth and what is a lie. We just don't always choose to live like we really believe that what we believe is really real. And that needs to change! Otherwise, how will we reach those who are still held captive by sin? How will we live our lives in such a way that will lead them to the truth that is Christ?

I cannot wait for next Thursday. :]

C'est la vie.

I have to trust in the Lord, that I am here for a reason. That reason may be completely obvious, or it may be something I won't realize until much later. Regardless, I know that I'm stuck in this home for a reason, and that reason is going to glorify Him.

I just need to be patient, until I leave in September. Maybe even sooner than that, if I can find a place to move into.

Until then, I need to suck it up. I need to serve eagerly, and expect nothing in return. When they strike me, I need to turn and offer them the other cheek. I need to stop trying to get through to my mom; I need to just love her no matter what. Because love is more powerful than words or anger.

Life is not easy. I know this fact all too well. I won't gain character or strength or courage or anything, unless I go through these obstacles. Life would be too easy and completely meaningless. That's why I can't sweat the small stuff. Because what seems like the world right now, will only be a blip on the map of my lifetime. And none of it will matter the day that I meet my Father.

Do not worry about anything; instead, pray about everything.

I will run to you.

God is so amazing.

Every time I go to Kinetic, or The Well on Sunday mornings, or when I visit Real Church, I feel so alive. It's amazing, this sense of togetherness in Christ. I sincerely enjoy being with these people who are so on fire for Christ and who make my heart overflow with love. I could do this stuff every day.

The Lord has blessed me immensely with all these amazing people who love me, hold me accountable, and challenge me to be so much more. I cannot wait until September comes and I am in Hamtramck, surrounded by this day in and day out. I am literally giddy with excitement to be utilized for the Lord. :]

I can't keep on without you.

Lord, give me courage. Right now, I feel like running away. Abandoning all these responsibilities that shouldn't belong to me. Leaving these people behind, no matter the consequences. I just want to escape and not have to deal with these petty issues anymore.

Lord, give me strength. I feel like screaming until my throat is raw and my vocal chords give out. I feel like breaking down until I'm emotionally spent.

Lord, give me faith in You. I know this is for a reason; I know that You need me to love them no matter how frustrated they make me. I need to be a light, I need to be different. I need to trust that You're taking care of me, no matter how difficult these events may seem.

Help me to see this from Your perspective. I know You're up to something, and it'll turn out wonderful (it always does). But for now, it's hard for me to see beyond my emotions. It's hard to see how my mother's boyfriend, who makes my stomach churn, and who causes so much drama and tension, could be the basis of something that comes from You.

But Lord, I don't have to see how these pieces fit together. I'm sure that if I could, I wouldn't understand it anyways.

Love shouldn't be a four letter lie.

It's funny, how I can look at my mom and friends who revolve their lives around a guy, and feel so frustrated with them when they keep going back to the guy, even though it's evident that the guy doesn't have the same emotional attachments. And yet, I was in that position not too long ago. It's amazing how we finally see the truth when we simply change perspective.
Now, though, I put Jesus in the center of my life. Don't get me wrong, I still feel lonely quite often. I was made to love and be loved. The right time just hasn't come yet, and I don't think it will for a few more years. I'm just trying to change my heart to stop desiring a relationship with a guy, and start desiring an intimate relationship with Christ.

A good friend gave me a piece of wisdom that always comes to mind when this topic bothers me. She said that we shouldn't look for a person who completes us, because then you have two incomplete people trying to fill the other person's voids. We should be looking to God to fill those holes, and not another person. Instead, we should be a 'whole' person, who finds another 'whole' person, who will help us to grow. For me, especially, that won't happen until I live a life that is fully committed to Christ. And I have a feeling that the man God has picked for me won't come stumbling into my life until I stop looking for him.

I wish my mom could see things this way. It honestly crushes me to see that she thinks she can't do any better than her current stand-in. Where is the love for herself? This guy doesn't treat her like the daughter of God she is. Have women become so desperate for affection that they're willing to put up with all kinds of crap, as long as it means they aren't alone? I'd have to say that, unfortunately, that's the way it seems. And I am terrified that my younger sisters will end up like the rest of the women in my family. I know I am not doing enough to ensure that they have a better chance of avoiding this trend.

I want to help young girls of this generation and the next, to see that they don't need any man except for Jesus. I want to help them love themselves, and be confident in who God created them to be. Females are so vulnerable and emotional, and when we get caught up in the world's idea of love, we easily forget about agape, the most wonderful love our Father could bless us with. A love that doesn't have to be earned. I really feel a calling to this issue, like God wants to use my experiences and my passion to make a difference and bring Him glory. And that concomitantly excites and intimidates me.

My prayers are going out to all the girls, weak and strong, heartbroken and infatuated. That they won't feel it necessary to look for love in a temporary guy, because a much better love already exists in the arms of our Father. And He will never forsake us.

I will trust in you. Won't I?

Now, I will be the first to say, that I am not the greatest writer. I'm not the best articulator, and I know my phrases don't always make sense to anyone but me. But I wanted to give this a shot. I want to look back at this blog a year or so from now, and see the inner workings of my mind and how they've changed. Because this year, I want to grow like I've never grown before. I want my relationship with God to become something I've never experienced before. And I don't want this to just be a bunch of pretty words on my computer screen.

I want to mean it. I want to make this happen.

So with that, I guess I'll get to what I truly wanted to write about tonight. At The Well this morning, Pastor Jay focused on trust. Do we truly trust God to take care of us? Or do we just say that we do, because we know that it's the "Christian thing to say?" For me, I feel like I fall under the latter more often than I should.

Pastor Jay brought up the verse Proverbs 3:5; a verse I know well, and a verse that inspires me often. 'Trust in the Lord God with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding.' It sounds like it should be so easy to just trust in the Lord, rather than trusting in what I think I know, right? Not quite. I consistently have to catch myself, and make myself remember that I don't have a hold of this life - not even a little bit. Things won't always go my way, no matter how strong a grip I try to keep on this life. But the beauty of this all, is that God does have a hold on my life. He knows where this life of mine is going, and He knows how I'm going to end up getting there.

Not too long ago, a good friend gave me an illustration of trust that really stuck with me. He was telling me about how his young daughter would stand on the counter in the kitchen, and she would jump into his arms, fearless and giggling. However, when her brother got up there and it came time to jump into his dad's arms, he hesitated out of fear. Unlike his younger sister, he realized that if he fell, he would get hurt. Since then, the little girl has been terrified to jump into her father's arms, because she lost her trust. Now, she will just stand there and cry, until her mother comes up behind her and gives her a little push.

In the same way, we are often too afraid to trust in God, because some experience will instill a tiny amount of fear in us, usually a fear of getting hurt, and we can't get past our hesitation. God will often have to come up behind us and give us that little push. I know that for me, this happened all too recently. God gave me the push off the edge that I needed, because I was too stubborn and afraid to jump on my own. I was scared that I would end up hurt. And although I was far too close for comfort to hitting the very bottom, God still caught me. There will be times when I jump willingly, knowing that the Lord is there to catch me always. But there will also be times when I have to be pushed a little (or a lot) in order to take the leap and have God catch me.

There's a song we would sing at my old church, and I was just thinking about the lyrics, and how much they really mean. It's funny when you're used to singing a song for years, but one day those words will suddenly take on a deeper meaning to you.
'Oh, I will trust in You, even when I cannot see. It's Your hand that's leading me. Even when the road is long. Even when my eyes are fading, and I've spent so long waiting. What You've promised is true. I will trust in You.'

What has God ever done not to earn our trust? Has he ever failed to catch us, to deliver us? He may not do it in a way that we want, or even see at the moment, but He always pulls us through the darkest of situations.
And He has pulled me out of a really life-altering situation just this past fall. Honestly, when it was happening, I thought that I would never get through it. I thought, literally, that this was the end of the world, and that I was going to die from all the heartbreak. Yet, God caught me when I had fallen, and He's still pulling me through this thing, day by day. The funny thing is, I was afraid to do the right thing, because I knew it would hurt. And yet, by not doing the right thing when I knew I should have, I ended up hurting tenfold. I know that I will never truly move on from it until I can completely trust in God. Because I can already see how He used that crappy situation to create something so much better for me, and how there's still so much He has in store for me. And that makes my heart swell with so much love for our Father.

I have a lot of reasons to trust in Him. I just need to get over myself and do it!