decisions, decisions.

I just want to start off by saying how amazing it is when we allow God to stretch us in ways that take us way beyond our comfort zone. It's not always fun or appealing, but the end product and how we change from it is so worth it.

I was faced with making one of the most difficult decisions I could make this afternoon. After struggling for probably over a month about whether or not I should go through with it, I finally got the clear answer I'd been asking for. Not that it necessarily felt clear. Trust me, even as things were happening, I still had reserves. I kept looking five steps ahead (and still am), and focusing on the repercussions that would come from either side of the decision I made. I think that's why it took so long for me to come to my decision. I couldn't let go of my doubts and my inhibitions, and I am, quite frankly, afraid.

I'm leaving this vague intentionally. God knows what I did, and why I did it. I won't lie that it kinda sucks having this burden on me, knowing what's going to happen soon when those around me are absolutely oblivious. But, I know that it is so good for me at the same time. I'm building my faith by trusting that God has this handled. There are so many different outcomes that could potentially occur from my decision, and I just need to trust that He has it under control, and He is going to take care of the situation and those that are involved. And I do trust Him!

I don't really know where I'm going with this, other than to remind myself later, when I'll be second guessing my choice because of all the hurt it's going to cause, that in the long run, I made the right decision. Unfortunately, it often requires heartache for God to be able to work in our lives and the lives of those around us. And it's such a reassurance to know that every heartache we have has passed through His hands first. He's got a plan for all of this, and He won't let me, or the others involved, go through this alone.

For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. Do not be afraid, oh worm Jacob, oh little Israel, for I myself will help you," declares the LORD, your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel.

Isaiah 41:13-14

Next step.

Can I just say how ecstatic I am to finally, solidly know that I am moving to Detroit in exactly one month? The fact that any doubts would have crossed my mind seem so silly now. I really cannot wait to see where this program will take me, and what God has waiting for me there.

Anyways. I couldn't help but return to thinking about what this means for me. It's all so surreal. I keep looking back to a year ago, and who I was then, compared to who I am now. I probably say it a lot, but the amount of change that I've gone through in just a little less than a year is so amazing. It's such solid evidence to me of God's grace, mercy, and love. I am so incredibly changed, and I know that the Lord is far from being done with me! There are so many more things He has to work in me, so many more plans He has.

I just feel like I'm going to burst with excitement, anticipation, and joy! I don't really know what will come after XMin, but I'm not really worried about it for once. I just hope, and pray, that I will walk away even more changed, and that I will be able to be a walking testimony to the lost and the broken. If God could use and love someone like me, then I know there's hope for the rest of the world.

I am so ready for this challenge.

Return to me.

This morning, I find myself wide awake after getting home from a late night (or early morning?) at work. So, per usual, I took this opportunity of calm and quiet in my home to spend some uninterrupted time with my Father. On my drive home from work, I was trying to decide where I wanted to read in my Bible once I got home. Almost right away, the book of Malachi was brought to the surface of my mind. I wasn't too sure at first because it felt like such an obscure suggestion, but then I remembered that it had been brought to the forefront of my mind the night before as well.

Reading through it, there wasn't a whole lot that stood out to me. There was a lot that sounded good and maybe stood out a little, but nothing really spoke to me. That is, until I got to the last chapter, verses 6 and 7.

I am the Lord, and I do not change. That is why you descendants of Jacob are not already destroyed. Ever since the days of your ancestors, you have scorned my decrees and failed to obey them. Now return to me, and I will return to you,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies.
Malachi 3:6-7 (NLT)

What first caught my attention was the beginning of this verse. "I am the Lord, and I do not change." I know that for me, it can be hard to wrap my head around that fact that God never changes. All we ever do is change, and consistency can be rather hard to come by. But God is the same today as He was yesterday, and He will always be the same, indescribable Creator. I think that's so reassuring to know, and it makes me want to obey Him and follow Him even more.

I also love that in these verses, God shows how much He loves us. That, even though we continue to deny Him, and we continue to scorn Him and what He has instructed us, He still wants us. He still asks us to return to Him so that He may return to us; we just need to take the first step.

Despite the fact that we will stumble (more than once, that's for sure) God still loves us. And He will not abandon us just because we make a few mistakes. Instead, He is there waiting for us to come back to Him, tail between our legs, with His arms open wide to receive us. That doesn't necessarily mean there won't be consequences for our disobedience, because there certainly will. But it does mean that God is still seeking an intimate relationship with his creation, even after we ignore His commands.

For me, personally, I saw this happen in my own life (and I'm sure I'm not the only one). I think it's easy for us to fall into the temptation of doing what we want, rather than doing what we know God has asked us to do. But once we come back to Him, ready to change and follow Him once again, I believe we can be changed in amazing ways. I love whenever Pastor Jay says, "You cannot come face to face with God and walk away unchanged."

Interesting how the one who never changes, will always leave us changed.

Found peace.

Last night was a real struggle for me. I am still in limbo, basically, on the whole XMin thing. I'm awaiting the phone call for my 10 minute interview before they tell me I'm either accepted or not. Because things are drawing so close, and because I still struggle with problems of worrying, I began to doubt. What if this wasn't really what God has called me to do? What if I'm just doing it because I think it's a good idea? What if I'm only doing this out of selfish ambitions?

So, in desperation, I spent some early morning time with my Father. Having worked until 4am, I came home wide awake and desperate to hear from God. I actually spent some time just listening to what He was trying to speak into my heart, something that I don't do enough. I struggled for a while, listening to God and hearing him whisper that "Yes, this is what I have called you to do," but thinking only that it was my voice trying to cover the silence. It wasn't until I stepped back, laid to rest my fears, and just opened my heart completely to God that I became peaceful. My anxieties were laid to rest, and I just knew that God was going to work everything out in His own time.

There is a verse I put on my closet, one that I copied down years ago to encourage me as I was in foster care. Now, however, I look at it, and it means something completely different to me.

I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.
Genesis 28:15 NIV

Our God is a God who will never abandon us, even when we fear that He isn't going to pull through. He is there, guiding our steps and watching over us as we follow the path He has set out for our lives.

My favorite part about that verse is the last sentence; "I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you." Not only is God always present, but He is faithful, and will fulfill the promises He has made us. I know that God has a plan for my life, and that His presence will never leave me. I also know that what He has promised is good, and that letting petty things like doubt get in the way of that is foolish.

I just need a little more faith, sometimes.

Nothing's gonna hold me back.

As I draw closer and closer in my relationship with God, I find more speed bumps arising along the way. It's not uncommon (it's expected, actually) for the enemy to try and break you down whenever you are following the path that God has laid ahead for your life.

September is drawing close, which means that I will (still, hopefully) be going to XMin, the program in Hamtramck. Since last September, there has been an amazing amount of healing going on in my life. I've made a complete transformation, thanks to the grace and mercy of my Father. Things that, only mere months ago used to bring me down in an instant, I no longer have to dwell on. I actually know I have a purpose now, and part of that is to attend XMin and gain tools and knowledge that will help me work with Jr. High-aged girls one day.

The thing about my life, though, is that things are actually falling into place, and I'm finally following God's plan for my life. That sounds like a good thing, right? Well, it is. For me, at least. But for Satan, it's definitely not.

Satan doesn't want us to follow God's calling on our life. He wants us to be miserable, and to fall easily into temptation. And when we do begin to step further into God's plan for us, Satan tries to pull out all the stops. I know firsthand how he will try bringing up old wounds to break us down. He will try to shatter our confidence and make us doubt our faith in God. This is why it is so extremely important to draw ever closer to God. We need to have a strong prayer life. We need to spend time delving into His Word, learning more about His character. Because if we don't, it's far too easy for the enemy to break us down.

I know that for me, the enemy has been trying to punk me by attempting to reopen old wounds made by my past mistakes. If I didn't have such a strong support system, and if I didn't know that I have so much value in my Father's eyes, despite my background, I would have easily given in to what Satan was trying to feed me. It's so easy for us to fall into our old ways, even if we have changed. But it's so much more worth it in the end when we stay strong in our faith, and choose to follow God's plan, regardless of any temptations that punk tries to send our way. We just need to look to Christ to find our strength and our worth. Because He is ever faithful, and will never fail us.

Faith, Hope, and Love.

Just a few days ago, I got back home from being a group leader at FaHoLo's Jr. High Camp. All I can coherently say, is that it was such an amazing, life altering experience. I got to spend my days with a group of 11 young ladies who were absolutely fabulous, and who I got the opportunity to invest in.

I think what my favorite part of the whole experience was, was seeing God move through those teens. There were a couple of my girls that I could tell were really going through some rough times. And through the movement of the Holy Spirit and through the words of Jason Buchan, those students were changed in some amazing ways. Especially one girl, who I could tell throughout the week had some serious self image issues, and had next to no love for herself. She even confessed to me that she had come to camp thinking that she was worthless, and there was no way Jesus could love her.

But, praise the Lord, because after an amazing night of the Word and worship, she told me that God had shown her that none of that was true. That completely melted my heart. I could see God showing to me, crystal clearly, that this is my calling. Working with teen girls like her, and showing them that Christ does love them, and that they do have worth. It's clear to me now, that the Lord has really called me to youth ministry, which is something that I never would have expected.

Honestly, I cannot wait until next year, when I will have the opportunity to do this once again. The whole experience was just awe inspiring, and I cannot wait for the Lord to use me again. Being at camp and being those girls' counselor, made me feel at home; like it was what I was supposed to be doing.

It is you who gives me strength.

This should have been done a lot sooner. However, I keep letting life and laziness take over. I'm either constantly busy, or constantly not. But, that's not what I wanted to write about tonight.

Tonight, I was faced again with just how much the Lord is changing my heart. It's been a slow process, these past six (almost seven!) months. It's been more challenging than anything I've ever faced, and I feel I've grown far more than I could have possibly conceived.

While it's true that I'm far from being where I want to be, I know that the Lord has it under control. I'm not perfect, by any means, and there have been a few "relapses" that have set me back. There have been times when I seriously questioned why I was going through this. I felt like God was giving me way too much to handle! But the beauty of it, is that it's not in His nature to give us more than we can handle. It even says so in the Bible! 1 Corinthians 10:13 says, "No temptation has seized you beyond what is common to man. And God is faithful, he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it."

The Lord is working some amazing healing in my heart, and I am so grateful for his mercy and love! Each day, I see the progress I make, and the ways He has and is taking care of me. Through Him, I can do anything. Through Him, I have been made new. He has taken my guilt and He continues to take my fears and heartaches. He has set me free.